Here is a record of the seminal events leading up to my realization I was being called into Shamanism. From 2001, a few summaries of the notes I wrote in my Journal, including my Epiphany.
“10/3/01: I had a most powerful Dream. A very large Golden Eagle (10 times bigger than normal) was about 200 feet away, 10 feet off the ground, trying to fly up a street. It was meeting great resistance from very strong winds. It finally landed on the street and gathered one of its little one’s beneath it. The Dream ended. My interpretation. The large Eagle is the Great Spirit, trying to save us, the little Eagle, from very dangerous times.” Since then I have considered that this Dream may have signalled my Power Animal, who is Eagle, alerting me, the Little One, of my impending Calling.
Now on to 10/6/01: “This morning I was rewarded with my second Power Animal Dream in 4 days. I saw four Hawks with gray Feathers flying in a single file, in formation. That was all...they were headed left to right, slightly downhill. Hawk is my primary Pipe Totem, and I feel I am called on to Smoke the Pipe 4 times in the near future, for Peace.
(And later that same day): OK, here’s what I have instinctively come to. I’m to Smoke the Pipe 4 (Sacred Number) times for World Peace and Understanding. But between the 4 Smokes, in an unprecedented stroke of boldness, I’m to leave the Pipe UNCOVERED and in one piece (Stem still inside Bowl)...until that 4th Smoke is done! This open display of the put-together Pipe will be very rare. It leaves it vulnerable, just as Love and Peace and Justice are. But that vulnerability is where Love’s strength comes from...just as Jesus was made ultimately vulnerable, near naked on the cross. Soon I shall perform these 4 Smokes.”
10/19/01: “A very special beginning to the day. This morning I saw clouds that formed the Wings of a Hawk, a Sacred Pipe, and the White Feather I saw the day I bought my Pipe..all at the same time! I knew this was the day I should perform my 4th Smoke. While on the road for my job, a small Bird kept landing in front of me..causing me to stop short 4 times! So I got ready for the final of the 4 Smokes. The Pipe ended up being uncovered and joined for 7 days total, a Sacred Number. “
From here on, a verbatim transcript:
“As I was praying and filling the Pipe, the Crows were singing a lot in the South. But as I prayed to the West, a single 4-Caw out there told me the Spirit Camp was solidly in line with me. Thrilling! Then, as I was walking toward the holly bush and offering the Pipe to Father Sky, a Chipmunk came along the bushes next to the house and went right by me, completely fearless, as if it knew I was becoming (or already was) part of Nature. The rest of the filling went well, and I went to the Prayer Spot to do my Smoke. I offered the Pipe to Grandfather Sun, and held it against a little Pine Tree nearby. Pine is the Peace Tree, and I acknowledged that since the Pine Standing Person is half in Mother Earth and half in Father Sky, it is the perfect symbol of the Pipe, which also stands for the power of the Male/Female connection, and therefore Love and Creativity when joined. So holding that unlit Pipe against that Tree made it very powerful as an instrument of Peace. I Smoked for World Peace three times, for All Our Relations, my family and friends, the sick and dying. I gave thanks for the Pipe, and gave lots of Smoke out to the Spirit Camp for them to enjoy as well. I inhaled some Smoke for the first time by mistake, but thereby joined the community of Spirits even further.
At the end, I held the Bowl to my heart. The heat of the Sun on my face and the heat of the Bowl were from the same source: the Sun, one stored for months, the other brand new..but the same and therefore from the Grandfather. Then, as I held the Pipe tightly to my heart and asked the heat to re-sanctify my sacred heart space with that little Sun in there, I realized that by completing the 4th Smoke, not only was my Dream tasking complete, but NOW THE 4 SEPARATE SMOKES WERE COMBINING. NOW THEY WERE ONE VERY POWERFUL SMOKE FOR PEACE. No longer separate, they were now, at task’s end, unified! I was in awe of the Power of these Prayer Smokes as a single unit. I could feel their Power forming as this huge Prayer in Time and Space. My eyes were closed. Suddenly, like at the start, I heard scratching in the Leaves (on the ground) about 10 feet in front of me. I opened up my eyes..yup, my little Chipmunk was back..same one? Who can say? I’d like to think so. Then suddenly came an event that ranks with my feeling of sensing the Holy Spirit back in the late 70s. A motion to my right. A large Bird flies very quietly in and lands on a branch on the other side of a narrow Tree Trunk about 10 feet away...same direction as the Chipmunk. At first, I could only see its tail, but I knew it was not a standard Bird. Perhaps a Mockingbird? But then, it peaked its head out from behind the trunk to the left..and I saw the head of a Hawk! It looked right at me for about a second, maybe two, then took off and flew away to my left so I could see its brown Feathers and make a perfect ID. I melted into the ground! Frozen..tingling in awe...in great thanks. I cried later telling my Daughter of this moment, which I then and have since called my Epiphany. But in the moment of the visit, I knew my Prayer Smokes had been sanctified by the Great Spirit. He sent Hawk to help me celebrate this powerful Smoke series, and to REMOVE ALL DOUBT about the Power of the Pipe. I’m stll in total awe as I write this summary an hour later. I could feel the presence of God, the Medicine Allies. I knew it had really happened as a result of my Smoke. It was the most direct evidence of God and Love and Prayer Power I had ever seen. For the first time in my life, I have absolute proof of the existence of the God of Love. He sent me the Hawk to thank me for listening to my Dream, and for using the White Feather Hawk Pipe to pray for a peace that is best for ALL. I’m a changed person, totally altered. I can never doubt again. Can I ever feel bad again? This is Earth-shattering, mind-blowing stuff! The Tree I was Smoking near is bright yellow...the South..healing..sustenance...joy! I’m still swooning with delight at this divine intervention. Make no mistake, ye doubters! I have seen the hand of the Great Spirit touch my life...none of the events I have recorded in my Journals thus far is accidental. I finished by taking the Ash of this, the holiest and most powerful of all my Smokes, and blowing it onto my Sage plant. Wouldn’t you know...there was some unsmoked Tobacco left, so it was God’s will I offer both As and Tobacco to the plant we use to ward off negativity. Great! I then wrapped up the Pipe. It’s back in its Skin and Feathers, separated, and Smudged.”
What I left out of this summary at the time, due to my obvious excitement, was the first thought that Crossed my mind after the Hawk had left: This only happens to Shamans! I had read about their interactions with the Winged Ones in a meaningful way...and this visit by Hawk to me at the end of the 4th Smoke, inspired by a Dream, was the stuff of a Shaman’s Walk. I knew from then on, although it has taken several years to advance at the timing the Spirit Camp desires, that I was destined to adopt Shamanic Ways...hopefully someday to earn the title. Even though I am a non-Native, my ancestry is rich with Shamanic practices of its own.
Hence my name, Four Hawks...hence my Shamanic works. And again, perhaps the little Eagle being scooped up by the Large “Great Spirit” Eagle in the first Dream was, after all, me, on my way to this extraordinary event.
Friday, October 19, 2001
Monday, January 08, 2001
The Dream
Here is my Dream as written up at the time. I have done some very minor editing for better flow, but no substantive changes have occurred:
“In the past few weeks, while driving or out at night, I thought I had been seeing black bird shapes, flying in the dead of night, darker than the sky itself. I also recently had a dream where I was standing in the back yard with my dog, and it was very dark. The trees and buildings were just black shapes. The sky was barely lit. Yet, I saw a very brilliant light shining from behind the shed, where the Pipe is smoked. I knew it was THE Sacred Light, and was thrilled to witness it! Off near the edge of the woods, though, I then saw this black animal walking toward my yard..large and low, hard to put a name to..sinister-looking. Both these things spoke to me of an impending return of the dark force, but I put that aside, hoping it wasn't true. As the Shamanic dream began, I was walking my dog in my back yard. A huge black bird shape flew in from the west. As I first saw it, I was comforted knowing that I had thought I had been seeing black bird shapes at night. Here at last was proof, I thought. As it flew over me, though, it was huge! And a very dark gray against the black night. As it passed over me, I felt a sudden urge to scream. It was a PRIMAL scream, too..pure fear. All mouth, no sound? I woke up, but on a bed next to mine (where there is none in reality). As I sat up shaking, I felt a small wet touch in my back, like a dog's nose. I thought it was Calvin, but it turned out to be Janet's hand, asking if I was OK. I said yes, feeling relieved. At this point, sequence one ended as the real Janet woke up to turn in her back pain on our one bed, and I realized the first wake-up involving two beds had also been a dream. As you’ll see, I was in my old birthplace house in Boston during that wake-up.In Sequence 2, which began the minute I got back to sleep, I was in my old house in Boston (where the dark force had pulled me down the stairs when I was young..and appeared to me as my mother with horns). I was up in my sister's Sue's room, with Janet and Jen and Calvin. I was saying goodnight to them. I hugged Janet, then went to hug Jen. As I hugged HER, the lights went out and it got very dark. She seemed unresponsive as I hugged her. I felt I was being isolated. I backed off to go out into the hall to turn on those lights instead. As I did so, I saw the barely visible face of Calvin on top of a small table in the corner next to Jen, staring at me. The hall lights didn't work either. I felt very unsettled. In my sister Laura's room, there was a weak glow of light emanating from a corner, but no light was on. I felt quite scared by now, and rushed into my bed room to grab my flashlight under the bed. I did so, it worked, and I started flashing it around. At this point, the dream carried me to a lit room downstairs for a second, with Calvin by me. Suddenly, this room downstairs became my bedroom, the very place from which I'd been pulled as a boy. Cal was alert at the foot of the bed, staring at the door. Suddenly, Janet reached down from my right to hug me. I put my arms around her neck and got a much needed dose of love. As I did so, I felt a huge hand clasp her neck and begin pulling her away from me. I asked what the hell that that was, but no answer. This hand lifted both of us out of bed as I held onto her for dear life. When we were upright, I realized this dark shape had full hold of her. I let go of her at this instant in order to convince myself it was a dream, and this dream sequence ended instantly. At this point, really awake, I was a nervous wreck. I knew what was happening. I was in a spirit war! I girded myself for battle in bed by wrapping myself figuratively in Sage, my War Bonnet, and my Pipe (I would have done so in reality but didn't want to wake up Janet). I knew I was very vulnerable, that the attack was on, that I had to rely on my Medicines to fight. I kept saying to myself, "I am Four Hawks, I am ready." I was praying hard, very nervous about what would happen next when I went to sleep. Sequence 3 began immediately. I was back in the Boston house with Janet and her best friend Cyndi. I was supposed to give Cyndi a facial makeover, of all things! But as I began, I realized I didn't have all the stuff I needed to do a good job, so I went to my room looking for the facial mask to begin the process, but couldn't find it. I don't recall how we jumped to the next morning, but we were in the kitchen, and I was apologizing to Cyndi for apparently falling asleep and not finishing with her, when Calvin came running in from the back and jumped right on the kitchen table. Cyndi got up and went to the hall mirror to get ready for work. As I was there helping her and apologizing again, she went to turn on the light, and it didn't work. "Here we go again," I thought. I tried a lamp by the door, but it just has a small blue glow by the switch. I tried the living room light..nothing. So I knew IT was back. The girls took off to go to work, leaving me alone in the house. I was determined to get rid of this presence, so I walked toward the kitchen from the hall and reached back. I could almost see IT as I grabbed this force by the hand and pulled it to the back door. As I got there and went out into the yard, I released it to the Great Spirit. As I did so, I looked up and beheld the most beautiful sky I had ever seen. Bright, white bulbous clouds with long projections (like you see lava lamps) across the sky, with brilliant, closely-packed star clusters against a deep blue where there was clearing. Then, some gray cloud patches went by, one of which had two eyes in it. Directly above me, there was a large circle of light, turning slowly, that was actually a galaxy, complete with gaseous clouds spiraling in. I was so awestruck by the beauty, I did what any 20th century guy would do..ran for the camera! Even as I ran through the house to get it, I looked up and could still see the galaxy through the ceiling! But when I got back out, the sky had gone dark gray again, with just a hint of red at the horizon. Two boys were across the street as I stood there. One ran into the house, so I followed him. He was grabbing two books from the hall bookshelf, smiling, saying Kenny said it was OK. I asked him nicely not to take them, so he dropped them and ran back out to his friend. Once outside again, I noticed a woman cloaked in a veil, sitting on a bench across the street next to a stalled car. But now, the sky was looking interesting again. Not as gorgeous, but several of those brilliant star clusters were back. So I stood and took a picture. The camera took seconds on end to finish, so I don't know if I got it or not. I then turned and looked..the woman was still there..I could hear music playing softly by her. I was trying to decide if she was in need of help or just resting when the dream ended. This was an epic shaman's dream. It had all the markings of things I've read about in Native books. I was so shaken I had to get up to write this all down. As I came upstairs, Avery was crying, and Jen went to her with a bottle. As I sat down to write about my experience at the kitchen table, the light over the sink (as it will do occasionally) went out! :) I had to laugh, given “lights out” was a main motif running though my dreams. Both the animal in the prior dream and the large black bird at night to begin tonight's sequencing, WERE indeed announcers. My scream as the bird flew past me signaled the beginning of a truly primal, spiritual battle against fear itself. The girl at the end signals the fact that the dark force is still at the edges..remember the cat at the edge of the yard the last time I threw the force out that same back door, and you even wrote, beware of the cat? So the battle will resume again. The fact things went black when I hugged Jen disturbs me greatly, for I fear she indeed has the same dark force attached to her that used to be attached to me when I was young. Cal's nearly-constant presence is also very interesting, as he has been out of sorts (tail down) for a few days. Any other dreams after our sandwiches? Actually, yes. We were back here in Exeter, on my back porch late at night, Kenny and I this time. All was quiet, normal. A large car came up our street and stopped in front of our house for a few seconds. It then back into my neighbor's driveway and drove off. I didn't know what it meant in the dream, but now realize it picked up the woman on the bench to take her away..for a while. If anything, though, this monumental fear journey proves my Medicine is strong..Four Hawks lives. The battle will resume, but I am much stronger now for surviving this one.”
“In the past few weeks, while driving or out at night, I thought I had been seeing black bird shapes, flying in the dead of night, darker than the sky itself. I also recently had a dream where I was standing in the back yard with my dog, and it was very dark. The trees and buildings were just black shapes. The sky was barely lit. Yet, I saw a very brilliant light shining from behind the shed, where the Pipe is smoked. I knew it was THE Sacred Light, and was thrilled to witness it! Off near the edge of the woods, though, I then saw this black animal walking toward my yard..large and low, hard to put a name to..sinister-looking. Both these things spoke to me of an impending return of the dark force, but I put that aside, hoping it wasn't true. As the Shamanic dream began, I was walking my dog in my back yard. A huge black bird shape flew in from the west. As I first saw it, I was comforted knowing that I had thought I had been seeing black bird shapes at night. Here at last was proof, I thought. As it flew over me, though, it was huge! And a very dark gray against the black night. As it passed over me, I felt a sudden urge to scream. It was a PRIMAL scream, too..pure fear. All mouth, no sound? I woke up, but on a bed next to mine (where there is none in reality). As I sat up shaking, I felt a small wet touch in my back, like a dog's nose. I thought it was Calvin, but it turned out to be Janet's hand, asking if I was OK. I said yes, feeling relieved. At this point, sequence one ended as the real Janet woke up to turn in her back pain on our one bed, and I realized the first wake-up involving two beds had also been a dream. As you’ll see, I was in my old birthplace house in Boston during that wake-up.In Sequence 2, which began the minute I got back to sleep, I was in my old house in Boston (where the dark force had pulled me down the stairs when I was young..and appeared to me as my mother with horns). I was up in my sister's Sue's room, with Janet and Jen and Calvin. I was saying goodnight to them. I hugged Janet, then went to hug Jen. As I hugged HER, the lights went out and it got very dark. She seemed unresponsive as I hugged her. I felt I was being isolated. I backed off to go out into the hall to turn on those lights instead. As I did so, I saw the barely visible face of Calvin on top of a small table in the corner next to Jen, staring at me. The hall lights didn't work either. I felt very unsettled. In my sister Laura's room, there was a weak glow of light emanating from a corner, but no light was on. I felt quite scared by now, and rushed into my bed room to grab my flashlight under the bed. I did so, it worked, and I started flashing it around. At this point, the dream carried me to a lit room downstairs for a second, with Calvin by me. Suddenly, this room downstairs became my bedroom, the very place from which I'd been pulled as a boy. Cal was alert at the foot of the bed, staring at the door. Suddenly, Janet reached down from my right to hug me. I put my arms around her neck and got a much needed dose of love. As I did so, I felt a huge hand clasp her neck and begin pulling her away from me. I asked what the hell that that was, but no answer. This hand lifted both of us out of bed as I held onto her for dear life. When we were upright, I realized this dark shape had full hold of her. I let go of her at this instant in order to convince myself it was a dream, and this dream sequence ended instantly. At this point, really awake, I was a nervous wreck. I knew what was happening. I was in a spirit war! I girded myself for battle in bed by wrapping myself figuratively in Sage, my War Bonnet, and my Pipe (I would have done so in reality but didn't want to wake up Janet). I knew I was very vulnerable, that the attack was on, that I had to rely on my Medicines to fight. I kept saying to myself, "I am Four Hawks, I am ready." I was praying hard, very nervous about what would happen next when I went to sleep. Sequence 3 began immediately. I was back in the Boston house with Janet and her best friend Cyndi. I was supposed to give Cyndi a facial makeover, of all things! But as I began, I realized I didn't have all the stuff I needed to do a good job, so I went to my room looking for the facial mask to begin the process, but couldn't find it. I don't recall how we jumped to the next morning, but we were in the kitchen, and I was apologizing to Cyndi for apparently falling asleep and not finishing with her, when Calvin came running in from the back and jumped right on the kitchen table. Cyndi got up and went to the hall mirror to get ready for work. As I was there helping her and apologizing again, she went to turn on the light, and it didn't work. "Here we go again," I thought. I tried a lamp by the door, but it just has a small blue glow by the switch. I tried the living room light..nothing. So I knew IT was back. The girls took off to go to work, leaving me alone in the house. I was determined to get rid of this presence, so I walked toward the kitchen from the hall and reached back. I could almost see IT as I grabbed this force by the hand and pulled it to the back door. As I got there and went out into the yard, I released it to the Great Spirit. As I did so, I looked up and beheld the most beautiful sky I had ever seen. Bright, white bulbous clouds with long projections (like you see lava lamps) across the sky, with brilliant, closely-packed star clusters against a deep blue where there was clearing. Then, some gray cloud patches went by, one of which had two eyes in it. Directly above me, there was a large circle of light, turning slowly, that was actually a galaxy, complete with gaseous clouds spiraling in. I was so awestruck by the beauty, I did what any 20th century guy would do..ran for the camera! Even as I ran through the house to get it, I looked up and could still see the galaxy through the ceiling! But when I got back out, the sky had gone dark gray again, with just a hint of red at the horizon. Two boys were across the street as I stood there. One ran into the house, so I followed him. He was grabbing two books from the hall bookshelf, smiling, saying Kenny said it was OK. I asked him nicely not to take them, so he dropped them and ran back out to his friend. Once outside again, I noticed a woman cloaked in a veil, sitting on a bench across the street next to a stalled car. But now, the sky was looking interesting again. Not as gorgeous, but several of those brilliant star clusters were back. So I stood and took a picture. The camera took seconds on end to finish, so I don't know if I got it or not. I then turned and looked..the woman was still there..I could hear music playing softly by her. I was trying to decide if she was in need of help or just resting when the dream ended. This was an epic shaman's dream. It had all the markings of things I've read about in Native books. I was so shaken I had to get up to write this all down. As I came upstairs, Avery was crying, and Jen went to her with a bottle. As I sat down to write about my experience at the kitchen table, the light over the sink (as it will do occasionally) went out! :) I had to laugh, given “lights out” was a main motif running though my dreams. Both the animal in the prior dream and the large black bird at night to begin tonight's sequencing, WERE indeed announcers. My scream as the bird flew past me signaled the beginning of a truly primal, spiritual battle against fear itself. The girl at the end signals the fact that the dark force is still at the edges..remember the cat at the edge of the yard the last time I threw the force out that same back door, and you even wrote, beware of the cat? So the battle will resume again. The fact things went black when I hugged Jen disturbs me greatly, for I fear she indeed has the same dark force attached to her that used to be attached to me when I was young. Cal's nearly-constant presence is also very interesting, as he has been out of sorts (tail down) for a few days. Any other dreams after our sandwiches? Actually, yes. We were back here in Exeter, on my back porch late at night, Kenny and I this time. All was quiet, normal. A large car came up our street and stopped in front of our house for a few seconds. It then back into my neighbor's driveway and drove off. I didn't know what it meant in the dream, but now realize it picked up the woman on the bench to take her away..for a while. If anything, though, this monumental fear journey proves my Medicine is strong..Four Hawks lives. The battle will resume, but I am much stronger now for surviving this one.”
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